Sunday, June 24, 2007

Eli Roth is a No-Talent Ass Clown

Every movie this hack has ever made has sucked. Cabin Fever? What the hell was that movie supposed to be? A horror film? A comedy? A surrealist commentary on the survival instinct?

Oh, no. None of the above. It's just a rotten piece of schlock horror that is too busy being derivative of far better films to bother coming up with something unique for itself. And those "comic" asides are so utterly ridiculous they border on Kafka-esque. Not that Eli Roth even knows who Kafka is. I'd be surprised if the fucker can read.

Let's move on to Hostel, shall we? One of the most mind-numbingly awful films I've ever seen. There's actually a gang of street urchins in this film that accosts people. For candy. Yep. For candy. And then they beat someone to death (!) at the end of the film. Hostel is a movie in which high-fiving and school-boy giggling passes for character development. I can only imagine the conversation Eli had in his head as he wrote the film.

"What am I going to put on screen before the violence gets moving?"

"How about we fully flesh out the characters so the audience is emotionally vested in them, which makes the horror of what's going to happen to them all the more intense?"

"What, are you fucking nuts!? I don't know how to write characters!! I'll just throw a bunch of tits in front of the camera."

I am, however, grateful for some of the lesson I learned by watching Hostel. Like if you take a welding torch to an eye, the eye won't sizzle and burst, as I long thought it would! It will actually HARDEN AND PROTRUDE FROM THE SKULL!! My God! I've been wrong for all these years! How could I have been so stupid? And the optic nerve cannot be severed by a flame that is about 3,480 degrees Celsius! Man, I've been poorly educated.

Have we seen Hostel II? I have. Sweet Jesus help me, I have. It's pretty much the exact same movie as Hostel. But that Eli is pretty crafty, so he switched genders of the protagonists. It's like a whole new movie now! In this steaming pile of cinematic dog shit, three US girls (a nerdy girl, a hot/bitchy girl, and a rich girl--that's about the extent of their characterization) are *gasp!* kidnapped and auctioned off on the Internet! There's a great little sequence where an international cadre of power-executive types bid on one of the girls through their mobile devices. Wow! Social commentary on the immoral uses of technology and money! You're so relevant, Eli!! Oh, wait. Is Eli even that smart? After sitting through three of his scripts, I certainly don't think so.

In this film, a man shoots a child in the head. We don't really know why. To get a rise out of the audience? Um, the demographic for this movie doesn't give a shit about a kid getting shot in the head. Unless it's on camera and they can see the brain matter flying. Maybe Eli can make his next "film" in 3D.

There is a characterization (or, what passes for it in a Roth film) reversal in this film that is so profound I actually laughed out loud in the theater. And it happens instantaneously. For about 80 minutes this character is one person and then...he's someone else. For no apparent reason.

Frankly, the only things that frighten me about Eli Roth films is the fact that this fucker is making movies and hundreds of talented people are out of work in Hollywood.

1 comment:

mineIsay said...

What? No props for Grindhouse? I skipped both Hostel and Hostel II - I'm way out of tolerance for scare-porn. I can't say much about your movie review, but I can say that I glad you updated - I always enjoy hearing your "voice".