Sunday, April 22, 2007

Rumor Has It: I Own!

I had my final observation this year. It was of the "unannounced" variety, where one of our illustrious administrators comes into our classroom *gasp!* without a pre-observation conference. We of the staff refer to this as the "pop-in" observation, due to the fact that the administrator just "pops-in" to your classroom. Get it? Pop-in? Maybe it's just not as funny as we imagine it is. Hey, leave us alone. We hang out with teenagers all day. You expect wit or something? Half these little shits think watching a guy jerk a horse off in Jackass II is the pinnacle of art house humor.

You see, the Unannounced Observation strikes fear into the hearts of nontenured staff. Some, quite simply, because they have no skills and can't teach and are worried that a principal will walk in and see them fumbling around in front of the classroom while their students read magazines, talk about who's pregnant, text message their pals or masturbate. Yes, that's right. Masturbate. Don't think it doesn't happen in classrooms. I would have done it too--if only I could have figured out a way to do it without the messy ending part.

All right, men. Let's band together and figure out a way to make masturbation clean. Think of the perks! Boring staff meeting? Rub one out. Hot chick steps on to an elevator in front of you? Time for a quick tug. Long drive with no one to talk to? Shake hands with the unemployed. Maybe this is the trade off: men can piss anytime, anywhere; women can masturbate with no mess. Maybe they did get the better end of this deal. And I hear their orgasms are more satisfying, too. Ladies? Any insight here?

Wait a minute. I just totally got sidetracked. Back to work.

I dislike the Unannounced Observation; not because I have no skills and suck at like, but because I gotta, like, write stuff in my planbook! I must constantly worry about that whole dog-and-pony show that is a formal observation. Earlier this year, when I had the Assistant Superintendent in for an observation, my future adopted daughter whispered to me "I don't like fake [if you're reading this you already know my name]".

So my principal pops-in this past Monday. Which, mind you, is a shitty day for her to come in. It was the first day back from a break, we had a suicide in the district the night before and the Virginia Tech news had broken about an hour previously. Yeah, great time to get observed, right? Luckily, she comes in to 10th period, which is my best class. They did a bang-up job and made me look good. Well, I mean, it's tough to make me look bad, mind you--being that I own.

Yeah, you read that correctly. I own. Normally, many would consider that to be a pompous, arrogant statement. Pompous? Arrogant? From me?!?!? Never. But I've got supporting evidence! Really! Here are some excerpts from my post-observation evaluation, along with my cynical translation for the non-educators among you:

"Mr. [me!] has an exemplary understanding of the standards for English Language Arts"
-I can totally bullshit anything and make it sound intelligent and profound.

"He mixes up his instruction to create interest for all types of learners"
-Sometimes I throw chalk at the little fuckers who don't work.

" upbeat and very engaging with his students"
-I need to stop snorting cocaine.

"...expects students to figure this [the learning objective] out along the way"
-I don't give a rat's ass about kids who don't want to think a little bit.

"...models enthusiasm and high energy throughout his class"
-I really need to stop snorting cocaine.

"...prompts thoughtful interaction in regards to social issues"
-I am consistently terrified at how culturally bankrupt and unaware of current events students are.

" continually monitoring his instruction to measure the success of his students"
-In order to make myself look good, I inflate grades on a regular basis.

"...High School is fortunate to have a teacher with such instructional capacity as Mr. [me!]"
-I couldn't find a better-paying job.

So ya see? I really do own! It even says so on my Facebook "Just for Fun Fanclub". Get this:

"Mr. [insert my name] is a english teacher at [insert name of where I work] and pretty much owns at teaching, life & everything you can own."

Note the so-thick-I-could-choke-on-it irony here. I'm the greatest English teacher ev-ah! And yet my students have made no less than two grammatical errors in that sentence...

And so, on June 12, 2007, the Board of Education will vote to approve my tenure. Provided, of course, none of them read this post.

One of these days, my smart-ass snarkiness is going to get me into trouble. But everyone who reads this knows my sense of humor, right?



honeykbee said...

Are you implying that the horse scene in Jackass II is NOT the pinnacle of art house humor? My, I'm suddenly concerned with how much you've, dare I say, matured...?

Oh, and they're totally better for women. Totally.

mineIsay said...

p0wn3d! Call me, we need to discuss the details of female masterbation.