Thursday, July 07, 2005

I Love the Smell of Commerce in the Morning

A friend of mine has a theory on blogs. She has a theory on most everything but there's no need to delve into that particular fact just yet. She tells us:

"There are a few types of blogs. The two that specifically ring out in my head are the kinds packed with political or social commentary and the others are the day-to-day ramblings, rantings, craving, fluff and thoughts of the masses. I wish mine was the first, but I suppose it's the second. "

I myself have no illusions. Mine is the second. And, frankly, I have no desire to turn it into the first. I doubt anyone would frequent this site for scathing social commentary and withering political diatribe. For that matter, I doubt anyone would frequent this site at all (except a certain former student with a flair for the acerbic and sense of humor just as wicked as mine). If you're reading this now: "The Following PHPBB Forum was disabled for security reasons. If you are the webmaster of this forum please contact support for more detail."? What gives? Dammit, did you get arrested? YOU DIDN'T GIVE THEM MY NAME, DID YOU?

Back on topic. Why would anyone go to a blog for politics? Don't we have shamelessly biased media outlets for that kind of shit? Without further ado, it's time for a "day-to-day rambling".

I got myself a perfect teacher summer job. I'm woking at a kiosk in the Galleria Mall, selling Uh-Gi-Oh cards and other useless pieces of cardboard that children will guilt their parents into spending their hard-earned money on. The owner also stocks all those "Support Our Troops" magnets and "Livestrong" bracelets. Oh, and let's not forget the "Live Well" braceltets and the Breast Cancer magnets; the Tsunami Relief bands and the POW*MIA magnets; the Help-Midgets-Pay-for-Their-Tricycle Fund stickers and the Don't-Forget-to-Masturbate-Daily Awareness wristbands. Please. As if ANY of us would forget to masturbate at least once a day. Typical America. Lance Armstrong does something for a cause and the next thing you know, EVERY SINGLE ORGANIZATION IN THE COUNTRY is marketing some form of costume jewerly. Like the Lemmings they are, Americans snatch them up so they can A) be trendy and B) sleep comfortably knowing they've done their part to make the world a better place. Ya wanna make the world a better place? Take my job and I'll take your paycheck, you over-paid complacent fucking mook.

Damn, got dangerously close to social commentary there. Back to the point of this (extraordinarily rambling) post.

The girl who was "training" me shows up at 11:03 AM. The mall opens at 10. I've been there since 9:50. Ever been working somewhere and have the phone ring while you're locked out of the place? It's an interesting sort of helplessness. You can see the phone. You know it's ringing, and yet...

Her first words to me are "Sorry I'm late, my fucking little shit of a nephew locked himself in the bathroom and threated to kill the cat." I always make it a point of feeling someone out a bit before I drop the F-bomb into conversation. I guess I'm in the minority. Some other highlights of our "conversation":

Me: "You going to college up here?"
Her: "My fucking high school was so advanced, Buff State told me that I could skip all the art pre-requisites and go right into advanced courses. They said if I could cram my core work in, I could graduate in two years without summer courses."
Me: [ignoring the fact that to complete most general education core requirements takes almost two years without summer course work, let alone any classes in your major] "That sounds good, are you going to do it?"
Her: "Nah, they raised the admission requirements and I'm too stupid to get in."


Her: "I almost got in a fight at the fucking Riverfront carnivale last night. This fucking fat, toothless bitch with pubic hair on her head got all in my grill [yes, she actually said 'in my grill'] about parenting after she saw me yank [baby's name I can't remember] into her stroller. The bitch said she was going to call the cops for child abuse. Said it was disgusting the way I treated my child. And I was like, look bitch, it ain't my fucking kid. And the fat whore said you talk like that in front of a baby? And I was like, fuck yeah! I'll say whatever the fuck I want. She's gonna learn it from TV anyways, ya know?"
Me: [Nodding, awestruck that I'm actually in the presence of the template for countless Jerry Springer guests]
Her: "Bitch had all bad breath and was like, 3 inches from my grill. I told her to go fuck herself and brush her chompers [yes, she actually said 'chompers'].

Both of those exchanges occured while customers were at the kiosk.

So I think I've met someone who actually has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Shitty employee, horrible attitude, she was even unattractive so I couldn't even stare at her to avoid the things coming out of her mouth. Thank God the mall is full of very attractive women to distract me.

This is why day-to-day ramblings are so much more fun than socio-political commentary.



Anonymous said...

that was the most interesting rambling and ranting and what not that i have ever make it so interesting why would you change it to political rants or whatever? your days at kiosk sound much more entertaining than mine at the big Q (AKA quiznos AKA hell)

Vatter of Working Shameless Plugs said...

Though I expect your social and political commentary would be nothing short of brilliant, I applaud your not going there. If you did, I would be forced to taunt you relentlessly for being something that Maddox wrote a nasty bit about.

Anyway, like they always say, stereotypes have to come from somewhere. I don't believe I've giggled as insanely in a while as I did whilst reading your little anecdote there. Tell the lady I said hi.

And as for those PHPBB forums, the bastard hosts closed my ENTIRE site- not just the forums- because I had forums that weren't entirely up to date. Curse my chronic laziness, and the fact that they chose the ONE week I'm on vacation to close it. I HAVE A WEBCOMIC TO MAINTAIN, THE PRICKS! In case you haven't read it, it involves myself and dear Mere Blankinship.

On that note, it's back up, and I look forward to your next dee-light-ful update.

Anonymous said...


-"the girl with a theory on a lot of things"