Sunday, July 03, 2005

Fun with furry critters


My brother got himself a rabbit. In a stunning stoke of inspiration and creativity, he named it Thumper. We keep waiting for the Feds to break in any day and seize the little shit (the rabbit, not my brother) due to copyright infringement. You can see the little guy to the left, lounging in the "rabbit chair" my wife bought for him. What you don't see is five minutes later, when Thumper tore that shit out of his chair and threw it all over his cage. I guess he didn't like the color. Really, what guy would. Just look at it. Doesn't he have a sort of "come hither" look to him in that picture? "Yes, human, come into my cage. Sit with me on my chair. Stroke my soft underbelly. Allow me to shit all over your house. Yes, love me."

You see, it's my "brother's rabbit", but he is clearly more attached to my wife and I. I know this because he made it a habit of pissing all over my wife and fucking my hand. Yes, you read that correctly, the rabbit actually tried to fuck my hand. If you've never seen a rabbit do that, I highly recommend it. It's funny as hell. He got his paws around my wrist and started grunting. I laughed at it at first, but then the Red Toothpick came shooting out. I say Red Toothpick because it wasn't the size of a Red Rocket; Thumper being smaller than a dog and all. At this point I began to scream "Holy shit, he's fucking my arm!" which scared him so he stopped. My brother came tearing into the room and said "Make him do it again!" Really: what the hell is wrong with my brother? Sick fuck.

Thumper also liked to jump over my wife's head and piss on her while in flight, like some crop duster or delivery system for chemical weaponry. Do you think we could weaponize rabbit urine to use against the Iraqis? While my brother and I found Thumper's aerial schennigans to be divinely funny, the wife didn't share our sentiment. So, sadly, we made the appointment to "fix" Thumper (or, "Little Fucker", as my wife had begun to call him).

And we bring this tale to a close with another man having his balls cut off at the behest of a woman. Don't you think the wife could have lived with a little rabbit piss in her hair so poor little Thumper could propigate and spead his seed amongst the world? Nope. The Thumper family legacy will die with Thumper himself.

Maybe that's why he shits all over the house.

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